


The Horrible Truth Behind Merlin

by Just_A_Wolf



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthurisaclotpole, Gen, Guilt, Gwainisconcered, M/M, No more hiding pain, Secrets, hurting, pranksthatgotoofar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 21:13:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_A_Wolf/pseuds/Just_A_Wolf
Summary: Merlin is a happy young man. He’s a jokester. Everyone loves Merlin. One day on a trip with Arthur and the Knights there is a misunderstanding that leads Arthur and the Knights to wonder exactly what had happened to Merlin in the past.





	The Horrible Truth Behind Merlin

There was a lot of laughing and chatter as the knights and Merlin rode through the forest. It was a small quest, nothing too dire. Only to check and make sure that the barriers that surrounded Camelto were still safely intact. There were insults thrown between Merlin and Arthur that consisted of the usual “Dollop head.” and “Clotpole.”. The other knights laughing as the two friends bantered. Stories were told leading to points where they had to clutch their stomachs.   
By the time they were making camp everyone was in a good mood. As Merlin set up camp the knights were plotting. Unknown to Merlin he was in for a surprise that night. They ate and talked some more before the conversations took on a more serious/ curious turn. “So Merlin what are you most scared of?” Merlin looked up from where he had been taking small spoonfuls of soup. As of late he couldn’t eat due to the anniversary of something very unpleasant. Though the other knights would not be knowing this. Not even Gaius knew about that event.   
“Umm...why do you want to know?” They shrugged Gwaine smiling curiously.   
“We just want to know the deep stuff Merlin. We’re your friends.” He squinted his eyes at them suspiciously.   
“You first.” Gwaine shrugged never losing the smile.   
“Easy, snakes.” Merlin nodded his head thinking it over before responding.   
“Being unconscious around people I don’t trust.” Some of the knights nodded while others frowned finding the answer a little specific for such a vague question.   
“Umm Merlin is there something you’re not telling us?” Arthur asked eyeing his friend with a very small amount of concern. Even Merlin’s posture seemed forced into relaxation. As though he were having to force it for the time being. Merlin shrugged smirking as he stared at the fire.   
“We all have our secrets don’t we sire.” Arthur’s frown grew more serious as he eyed his friend. He knew something was wrong. Merlin even when joking had stopped calling him sire a year ago. He had been so relieved when the change had occurred that he would never forget the day.   
“Friends don’t keep secrets though.” This was the only response Arthur could come up with in his worry. Merlin looked from the fire to his friends who were all beginning to give him concerning glances which only fueled his uncomfortable feelings. He shrugged trying to ease the ever growing tension.   
“Some things are better left unknown.” Everyone was glancing at Merlin now. No one in that circle felt quite as gleeful as before.   
“Merlin if something happened, we want to help.” Elian spoke trying to voice the concern in a way to keep the manservant from feeling worse. Merlin nodded smiling up at him.   
“Thank you Elian, but what happened to give me that fear has long since passed and I’ve moved on. It’s just something that will always stick with me. It will forever be my ultimate fear.” There was a moment of silence as they absorbed what had been said. “So what’s yours?”   
Merlin asked with a clap of his hands. Elian thought for a second before responding. “Losing the ones I love.” Everyone nodded. That was a good fear to have. It left you grateful. “What about you Percy?” All of the knights went around speaking their fears. It was bringing them all closer together in a comforting way. Arthur listened and appreciated the efforts of the friends around him, but couldn’t shake Merlins answer. Merlin seemed fine now. He was smiling and laughing that beautiful contagious smile of his that made everyone around him feel lighter,   
He smiled and listened. Resting his chin on his knees. It nags at Arthur the rest of the knights and he smiles as the others joke with each other and feels blessed as they also mess with Merlin, Thankful that they are so accepting of his friend.   
As he goes to sleep that night he hears the knights laughing about something and knows most likely a prank will ensue, They hadn’t been sleeping long when it happens. The knights smiled as they snuck up to Merlin. Each one circling his bag. Leaning down they all nodded before putting the action in plan. Each on knelt down while Gwaine sat next to his head. Covering his mouth as the others began tickling him Gwaine whispered “Boo.”   
What happened next was the most unexpected thing that any of the knights would ever witness. It was the blood curdling scream that ripped through Merlin's throat. “NO!!!!!” He fought harder than any had expected him too. Not knowing what to do they held him down which only caused him to panic harder. “GET OFF OF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!” It was ear piercing. The knights quickly became worried the young man would hurt himself fighting them. It wasn’t until Arthur darted up from his sleep to look up. Seeing the situation and quickly analyzing it he was quick to respond.   
“Get off of him! Give him some space.” He really tried to keep the anger out of his voice, but it didn’t work too well, seeing the tears streaming down Merlin’s cheeks. The way that his chest heaved and his eyes darted around. All of the knights were quick to listen. Anything to stop Merlin from screaming. Everyone watched as Merlin quickly darted up into a standing position and backed as far away as he could without becoming blinded by the lack of light from the fire. He heaved as he leaned against the tree. Holding out his hands in a defensive state. He looked terrified. He seemed as though he couldn’t breathe. He had to rub his eyes to see as the tears blocked his view of the intruders. Upon his vision cleared he realized it was just him ...and the knights. Arthur stood a little closer than the others hands raised in a peaceful manner. Still staying close to his sleeping mat. The knights looked at him ranging from wide eyed to horrified to guilty.   
Merlin looked around spinning as he did so, Head snapping in every direction as he bent over to catch his breath. “What happened! Where did they go!” Looking to others for information he noticed no one responding. “Someone was here we need to move! We’re not safe.” He looked completely at a loss as no one responded. Arthur moved closer.   
“Merlin no one was here. It’s only been us. They were pranking you. It was a prank, you’re safe.” Merlin shook his head backing up as Arthur came towards him.   
“No no no someone was here! I felt someone attacking me! They were going to take me and-” He cut himself off shaking his head. Whatever he had been thinking of was too painful. His face scrunched up in pain and disgust at the idea. He rambled on as though they weren’t even really there. He seemed so hyped up on his fear and sleepy state maybe he didn’t realize they were in fact there and listening intently. “They were going to do it again. Not again not ever again.” He shook his head so much Arthur was prepared to catch him in case he made himself too dizzy.   
“Merlin mate, it was only us. I’m really sorry. We were only trying to prank youl. We didn’t think that’s how you would respond.” Merlin made eye contact eyes wide as he processed the information. He looked around once more before making eye contact again.   
“So...it was you guys. No one else was here?” Gwaine nodded feeling very very guilty.   
“I’m really sorry mate. I’ve pulled a similar prank in the past on you and you didn’t respond this way. I wouldn’t have done it had I known it would scare you so much.” Merlin nodded seeming to understand.   
“I’m afraid things have changed since then. But I forgive you all. Alright? You had no clue. I don’t blame you.”   
Leon stepped forward. “No Merlin we should have known. We asked you for personal information and used it against you.” Merlin shook his head adamantly.   
“No you misunderstand. I didn’t freak out because of you guys. I thought you were intruders. That’s my fear. To be unconscious around people I don’t trust. That doesn’t apply to you all. I trust you all with my life. You all are the best friends I have ever had. Don’t worry really, I’m fine. It was just a scare. Why don’t we all go back to bed.”   
“No.” It was Arthur who spoke. Merlin frowned looking over to him.   
“Wh-”   
“We aren’t going to bed until we find out what’s the matter with you.” Merlin’s face became pale and dread spread over it. Something that slightly surprised everyone there. Merlin was usually good about scolding his features to his advantage. It seems that wouldn’t be happening tonight.   
“No we really don’t need to do that. That is a very bad idea. We should sleep and forget this ever happened.” Merlin’s voice was panicked. Arthur came forward clamping a hand on his shoulder. His very frail and shaking shoulder. ‘Was he this boney before?” Arthur thought to himself.   
“Merlin you are our friend and the display we just saw was incredibly concerning. We can’t forget it happened. We need to talk it out and find a solution. You will feel a lot better afterwards.” Merlin shook his head trying once more to turn this conversation around.   
“Please. I can’t talk about it.” It was a plea. A desperate one that tugged on the heartstrings of every man present.   
“I’m sorry but we have to.” He really was sorry. It wasn’t his desire to make Merlin suffer, but he had clearly been suffering quietly for quite some time.   
Merlin hung his head as he walked towards the fire and plopped down. All the knights soon followed. There were a few moments of silence as everyone gathered their thoughts. Merlin didn’t look at them as he spoke. “The thing I’m scared of has happened to me twice. Once before I ever met any of you. I had been traveling with my mother and we had been ambushed. The second time was a year and a half ago when Arthur and I were in a tavern…” There was a silence that hung in the air. Merlin didn’t seem as though he was going to continue. He didn’t seem to know how.   
“What happened during those times Merlin?” Arthur asked in as gentle of a voice as he could. Merlin sighed lowering his forehead into his arms. Suddenly looking much much younger.   
“They wanted to have fun and decided I would be the source of their entertainment. I was thirteen the first time and they took me to an abandoned area where they…”He swallowed thickly. “They raped me. It was over pretty quick, but still embarrassing to say the least. Plus I was so new to puberty and such that...I became aroused during it which made things so much worse. I didn’t want to be that way, it’s just something the body responds to. It actually happens to a lot of people when they are assaulted. The second time was worse. Arthur and I had been at a tavern and I had made unfortunate eye contact with this big man in the bar. He got offended by that and found me afterwards to ‘teach me a lesson,’ as he so kindly put it ...alot of stuff happened that night, I was forced to do many things I would love to forget. It happened a lot that night and he got friends involved who...participated in the acts. I could barely move by the time they left me by the door the next morning. I went in and managed to wash myself off and crawl into bed before Arthur woke up. We continued on our journey and I haven't spoken about it since.”   
The camp was silent as every man there absorbed what their friend had said. Their friend who was so young and had always seemed so innocent. Their friend who they had failed to see hurting. Their friend who had taken something sacred from him without any sort of remorse...A leaf could be heard rustling, the water could be heard running downstream. They could hear Merlin’s quiet breaths as he forced himself to calm down. No one spoke. No one knew what to say.   
Percival was the first one to speak up. Something that surprised everyone as he was so quiet and gentle. Though his words seemed to match his personality as he spoke. “Merlin I am so sorry.” It wasn’t an apology on his part, not really. He knew that what they had done and not caused the intense reaction from Merlin. It was his past. He was apologizing for those lousy excuses that are allowed to be called human, though they don’t deserve the title. He was apologizing for the pain Merlin had suffered, for the fact that he had suffered alone.   
Merlin knew this and sent him one of those kind and gentle Merlin smiles. He truly appreciated the words. Even if they did have sympathy, something he usually hated. Something about Percival made it alright. Merlin nervously looked to his other friends trying to gauge their response. Leon looked shocked. His face pale and his eyes wide. He shook his head, brows furrowed as he gathered his thoughts. “Merlin, you are so so brave. Much braver than we ever give you credit for. I’ve always known you were special, but this is something else. If the same thing had happened to me I don’t know if could ever leave my house again let alone continue you with my everyday life with a smile on my face. You are remarkable and I admire you.”   
Merlin took in what he was saying. Nodding his head in thanks before deciding that wasn’t enough. “You’re the first person to say such things to me. So thank you Leon. I’m glad to have a friend like you.” Leon gave him a comforting smile. Something Merlin was glad for. Smiles were much better than the alternatives...he spoke too soon though.   
Gwaine looked ready to murder someone. As in very very close to leaving camp and tracking down the disgusting filth to disembowel them! Merlin actually felt as though he’d have to stop Gwaine from getting up. He watched Gwaine nervously. He wasn’t speaking, which was not the Gwaine he knew! Gwaine looked him in the eyes. HIs eyes were hard set in stone. Merlin knew the anger wasn’t towards him, but he still didn’t know what to make of it. “Are they dead?” Merlin looked down almost embarrassed to say what needed to be said.   
“I never found out. Never went after them. The ones from my town were older and not known for causing trouble, so my guess would be they simply died of old age. The man from the inn I don’t know. I didn’t know him, I knew nothing about him. He was a stranger who did something bad. Honestly after it was all over I wanted to forget it ever happened.”   
Gwaine looked incredulously at him. “I don’t understand how you don’t want them dead! How you don’t want them to suffer. Merlin I know you are one of the kindest men I have ever met and I’m still shocked you didn’t want him to pay. How can you just let it go!” Merlin listened shaking his head smiling bitterly. He looked up at his friend. His eyes as clear as his conscious.   
“It’s not that I don’t want him to pay. I just know when I have been beaten. He took something from me, yes, but he can’t take away anything else. I’m still alive. I still have a good life and I’m still happy. I think it that way I won. So it’s not that I don’t hate him. I really really do and I wish him the worst in life, it’s just that I didn’t know what to do at the time and I’ve made peace with my choices.” Gwaine was amazed at his friend. HIs ever so logical friend. Merlin was one smart cookie, such a wise owl.   
“What if he’s still out there doing it?” Merlin’s face paled a little his head dropped.   
“I’ve thought about that. So many times. I thought it was my fault too, that I somehow controlled what he was doing. That his victims were now my victims because I didn’t turn him in, but I just can’t think that way. You know? I would be so so miserable. Yes, sometimes I allow myself those self loathing feelings. Such as this week as it is the anniversary of it, but that is the only time. I have allowed myself to move on.” Gwaine stood up making his way towards Merlin and sitting down next to him so that their shoulders touched. He smiled his Gwaine smile that made Merlin feel good.   
“I agree with Leon. You amaze me.” Merlin shrugged, blushing. Elyan spoke up next looking at him intently.   
“Did you get yourself checked out by Gaius to make sure you were okay?” Merlin ducked his head, wringing his hands together as he spoke.   
“Umm, I did a lot of the medical stuff myself before Arthur woke up. I knew the basics as we unfortunately do have victims of that come in sometimes. I did what I could and asked Gaius vague questions to confirm that I had done it right, but to answer your question, no. Gaius didn’t check me out. Gaius doesn’t know. I expect you all to respect my wishes and not tell him. He worries so much for me already. It would break his heart to think he didn’t save me.” Elyan gave him a sympathetic and worried look.   
“What about long term effects? Did you have any of those?” Merlin shrugged as he responded. It was kind of chilling to watch him speak of it so casually. They were waiting for him to crack.   
“It was small things. The second time did more damage than the first time. Though, both did damage, because I didn’t tell anyone about the first time either and I had no medical knowledge so I simply cleaned off the blood...among other things. And I went on with my life. The first time was bad because it was my first time doing anything sexual. The second time was worse because there were multiple people involved the injuries were much worse...small things are part of the effect. Every once in a while I problems doing certain things. It has to do with organ damage and muscle damage. I’m fine and it doesn’t affect me too much, but I do have some painful reminders.” Everyone tensed upon hearing the effects. Now everyone’s blood was boiling. To know that these men had not only caused Merlin momentary suffering, but suffering that will affect him the rest of his life.   
Lancelot watched Merlin sadly. He didn’t know what to say. He simply gave him a small smile and a nod. “Just so you know, we have your back. Please don’t keep any of these things secret. We could easily spend days tracking down these men to have them dealt with if it meant you would find any sort of comfort.” He meant what he said.   
“Thank you Lance.” Merlin smiled at his before turning to Arthur. He froze upon what he saw. Arthur was crying. As in tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away quickly as everyone turned to him, but he didn’t break his gaze on Merlin. He pointed to him angrily.   
“How could you not tell us? Not tell me? Merlin you should never ever have had to suffer through this by yourself. For God’s sake you should have at least told Gaius! He’s basically your father. I just can’t believe this happened to you....and that I could have stopped that second one. I was too stuck in my prat ways to realize you were being hurt while i was sleeping! How could I have done that to you? Merlin you are my best friend. You are someone I hold so very dear to my heart, you were my first true friend...no offense Leon. (Leon waved it off knowing exactly what he meant). Merlin I wouldn’t be who I am without you. You are the best thing, next to Guinever that has ever happened to me. I need you to know that and i need you to promise that if something like this ever happens again you talk to someone. No more keeping it locked up to rot in your tiny child like body.” Merlin felt tears pool down his cheeks at the kind words falling from his closest friends mouth. Who would have ever thought that prat, the future King of Camelot would one day become Merlin’s best friend.  
He laughed as Arthur couldn’t have a good chat without an insult. “I don’t have the body of a child.” Arthur was quick with his comeback of ‘yes you do.’ Breaking into a small smile.   
“Merlin promise me. While I know we would all love for you to trust us that much, go to someone, even if it’s not us. Promise me.” Merlin nodded his head his words came out hushed as his throat was closing up due to uncontrollable emotions.   
“Promise.” There was a small pause. “Arthur, I do forgive you, you know. I never blamed you in the first place. Why would you ever know? It happened in a completely different room, plus what person goes to sleep and thinks ‘hope my friend doesn’t get raped tonight’. Arthur I in no way blame you. You’re just one person. Even if you weigh the amount of two.” Merlin smirked as Arthur’s guilt stricken face turned to one of shock at the jab at his weight.   
“I do not! I am fighting fit.” Merlin rolled his eyes as he replied.   
“Keep telling yourself that and I’ll have to be rolling you along with the supplies on these trips.” The banter had the knights chuckling. After some of the tension was gone Merlin looked to Arthur hopefully. “Bedtime?” Arthur rolled his eyes.   
“Yes you lazy toad. You can go back to sleep.” Merlin sighed happily throwing his arms over his head falling back onto his mat. The other knights prepared to lie down as well, but found themselves frequenting between staring at Merlin or each other. No one wanted to leave Merlin in his vulnerable state of unconsciousness. It was silly because they were all highly trained and would know if someone were breaking into the camp. Merlin would not be in danger, every single one of them would make sure. They just couldn’t let the uncomfortable feeling settled.   
“So do we all agree we’re bad friends?” It was Elyan who spoke. Everyone nodded feeling the guilt swallow them.   
“He wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves.” With that Lancelot laid down.   
“Doesn’t mean we don’t deserve blame. By the second accident we all knew him and saw him everyday, we should have noticed. There had to have been signs.” Gwaine spoke bitterly. He wasn’t really mad at the other knights. The only two he could find it in him to blame were himself and Arthur, he had been sleeping in the same building as Merlin that night. Gwaine blamed himself simply because he had been one of Merlin’s longest friends next to Arthur, Gwen, and Gaius.   
“You all are not at fault. It’s my fault and mine alone. I wasn’t paying attention to him and managed to completely sleep through his assault. I deserve all of the blame. Now Merlin’s right, let's all go to sleep.”   
The next morning it was mostly silent. Merlin was attempting to wake himself up out of his exhausted state to go make breakfast when he smelled something...food? Why on Earth would there be food if he didn’t make it. Frowning in his semi conscious state he opened his eyes. Hovering above him were the knights and Arthur ...with a plate of food. Each one smiling proudly at the accomplishment. Merlin smiled amazed at his friends taking the plate.   
“You know I’m pretty sure part of me being a servant and you all being knights means that I cook for you. Not the other way around.” The meaning behind the words died as he took a bite. Surprise showed on his face causing some to chuckle.   
“We’re not as helpless with mundane stuff as you might think we are Merlin. Lancelot here can actually cook quite a good egg.” Merlin smiled looking at the floor shyly as Arthur spoke.   
“Besides we thought we sort of owed to you considering we kept you up last night.” Gwaine spoke as he plopped down next to the younger man. Merlin ate his eggs happily listening to the peace and quiet of the forest while also listening to the chatter of those around him.   
“Thank you guys. This means a lot to me.” The men smiled at him.   
“There’s no need to thank us mate. You’re one of us whether you like it or not.” Elyan spoke laughing. As they were all gathering their supplies and horses Merlin felt someone come up in pull him into a hug. He frowned noting the light blonde hair and the smell that made his recognize his prince. What made the situation even weirder was that Arthur prolonged the hug. Seeming to not care who saw him hugging his Merlin. Merlin hugged his back quite enjoying the very very rare moment.   
“I’m sorry I let you down. It will never happen again Merlin. No one is ever going to hurt you again as long as I’ve breathing.” Arthur mumbled into his neck. Merlin shook his head not distancing himself.   
“It’s not your fault Arthur. It’s not like that’s something you think twice before you go to bed at night. Nor should you have to. It’s not your fault. The only person at fault is the one who committed the action, it’s not mine and it’s not yours. I know that if you had been conscious you would have helped. That’s enough for me, alright?” Arthur squeezed him tighter as he fought off tears. He hated these emotional moments, but when it came to Merlin’s well being everything else went out the door.   
“My promise still stands, plus you have five other brothers here ready to do the same. You will never be alone again Merlin. We are with you no matter what.” Merlin chuckled into Arthur’s shoulder. Really trying to not, because he knows that Arthur is being serious. He could hear the annoyance in his voice when he spoke next.   
“What?”   
“Well Sire I believe that’s what we are supposed to be saying to you. You just really seem to want to switch with someone. Shall I announce that I am to be the new prince when we get back?” Arthur groaned at Merlin’s goofiness before shoving his away. He rolled his eyes smiling as he got into his horse. Merlin following in his steps. As Merlin rode next to Arthur, feeling the presence of every other knight there with them he knew he was not alone. And he never would be again. 


End file.
